Women writing on menopause often talk about the poignancy of finishing their periods at just the time that their daughters are starting theirs. I feel something akin to this as I accompany my boy in his search for identity alongside my own journey into letting go of mine.
He isn’t yet at the point where he is figuring out how he can support himself and who he is going to journey through life with, but “What makes me special?” is very much on the agenda.
When a small person is out there in the big world with little sense of identity, he is very vulnerable to other people’s perceptions of him. That’s why it’s so important for children to win. That’s why they care so much about being named Star of the Week. It only takes losing a game or getting something wrong and CRASH – down comes the sense-of-self like the tower of bricks on the play mat.
Part of my work, as a mum, is to be with my son as he develops a sense of self that can withstand the vicissitudes of the feedback he receives. A positive, sturdy, creative sense-of-self is hard-won. It takes only one music teacher to say: “Don’t sing so loudly” for a child to believe he is unmusical for the rest of his life but it takes continuous affirmation for a child to become an adult who blossoms into her full musicality.
So there I am, beside my boy, saying: “OK, so you got that spelling wrong, but you’re still a clever boy. Hold onto that. You’re a clever boy. Remember you’re clever – and remember it’s ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ .”
And as I’m saying it, I’m thinking: “Clever? Did I once think I was clever? I do believe I did.” And I take that idea about myself and gently and appreciatively, lay it down on a bed of feathers and watch it float, float, float away into the sky.
Next step: Make peace with your children